NBA Finals: The Miami Heat Recreate A Scene from Animal House

A physically-beaten Dwyane Wade enters the lockerroom, sits near LeBron James, scans and notices the rest of his comrades are as dejected as he is.

Dwyane: Looks like I missed something.

LeBron: Yeah, you did. We’re officially out of the NBA Finals. The San Antonio Spurs just gave our defense the worst beating we’ve received since You, Chris and I were brought here.

Dwyane: They kicked us out of the Finals? Dwyane looks around with bewilderment. That makes sense.

Chris Andersen: HEY! WHAT’S THIS LYING AROUND SHIT?

Mario Chalmers: Well, what the hell are we supposed to do you mo-ron?

Chris Bosh: The war’s over. Popovich dropped the big one.

Andersen: What? Over? Did you say OVER? NOTHING IS OVER UNTIL WE DECIDE IT IS. Was it over when the Indiana Pacers went up 3-0 on us? HELL NO.

Dwyane to LeBron: 3-0?

LeBron: Forget it. He’s rolling.

Andersen: AND IT AIN’T OVER NOW. BECAUSE WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH…

Extended silence as his teammates silently question if Chris Andersen being relegated to the end of the bench over the past two games has finally caused his entrance into actual insanity. Juwan Howard continues to apply bengay to his shoulders due to the high-fiving he has been doing throughout the playoffs.

Andersen: THE TOUGH GETS GOING! WHO’S WITH ME? COME ON!

Andersen jogs out of the room flapping his wings and yelling. His teammates don’t move. He walks back into the room with a disappointed look.

Andersen: What the hell happened to the Heat I used to know? Where’s the fire? Where’s the DRIVE? HUH?

Chalmers pokes a hole through his Caprisun. The liquid from the Caprisun is running out of the hole Mario accidentally pierced through the back and spilling on the white t-shirt he just put on. Naturally, the liquid is red and ruins the shirt.

Andersen: This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re going to let it be the worst. He begins to mock his teammates. Oh, we’re afraid to insert you in the lineup and attempt to regain a defensive identity. We might lose even worse than last time. WELL, JUST SUCK MY MOHAWK FROM NOW ON. NOT ME. I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS.

Andersen is getting riled up. He’s wild-eyed and the gel from his mohawk is seeping down his face.

PARKER? HE’S A DEAD MAN.

DUNCAN? DEAD

GINOBILLLLLLLLLLIIIIII!!!!!!!

Dwyane: Dead!

The entire lockerroom, including Birdman, turns towards Dwyane.

Dwyane: Bird is right! Psychotic, but absolutely right. He gets up and starts pacing. We gotta fight back against these guys. Now, we could use conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, no. In this case, I think we have to actually give a 100 percent effort. I think this situation absolutely requires a idea that has us attacking the basket, defending with ferocity, and embarrassing our opponent to the point of depression.

Andersen: And we’re just the guys to do it.

LeBron and Chris Bosh get up. They look at their teammates, who begin to follow.

LeBron: Let’s do it.

Andersen: LET’S DO IT.

The entire team, coaches included, yells in a frenzy and rushes out to the team bus that will take them back to Miami, where they will construct a Death-mobile of their own in the form of an impenetrable defense that’s capable of stopping pick-and-rolls and defending the league’s next greatest shooter.

 

 

 

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